I Have Things I Have To Do Today.

Wow, it has been some time since I have even looked at my blog but I often think of this one. Why? because I have so much to say but many times I stop myself from writing it on here. Just to much raw emotions at times and I don't want to go there. I set here, talk to myself and say.. no, I don't want to deal with that today, I have things I have to do. God has this, and I'm ok.

So many things have happened since my last post on here. One of the biggest things is, my dad passed away on my birthday. That was and still is hard at times. There are times I want to talk about it, but I just say.. no, not today.. I have things I have to get done.. and I put it away.

And so, as I have done many times before.. I have things that I have to do today...

I love You Through It All

Sometimes being a mother is so hard. Sometimes you just want to scream and throw up your hands and say I can't do this any more! But then you stop, take a deep breath and realize that your child's life holds in the balance by what you do.

Then you realize you can't give up no matter how frustrating it gets. You continue to pray and you pray harder. You talk to God allot about every thing. You ask him.. Lord, what do I do? and he says.. just hang on.. and keep speaking My word over them.

So you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and you get right back on doing what God tells you. You realize that it's up to the words you pray over them that can make or break them.

You realize how hard it is on God at times being the father that he is. And then you begin to apologize to Him for all that you have done. And you say... Lord, what did you do when I acted like this??

He says...

I loved you through it ALL.

So you look at your child and say.... I will love you through it ALL.

It's Been Awhile..

I know it's been some time since I have posted to my blog. And I know that I should have over the past year and half.. but sometimes life has a way of taking you to places and getting away from you.

Allot has happened over this time. Melissa and Bryan are still living with us. They are both working now at Wal-Mart and doing ok. It's been a bit tight here sometimes, but I love having them with us. Kinda makes me feel complete having them here. And I have gone back to work full time. That's been a big change for me not being in the working world for so long.

Jess is now going into High School this August. She's growing so fast and I don't know where the time has went. Walter is doing pretty good. Still Walter haha There has been more going on in my life, but way to much to talk about right now.

But one of the biggest things in my life is my dad. About 8 months ago he was diagnosed with throat cancer. This has been one of the hardest things in my life. I pray and declare the victory over my dad all the time. And I know that God can heal him. But sometimes I know God can only do so much when allowed.

At times I try not to think about it all, but like I said, I try and so most of every second of every day it's on my mind. We had family pictures made and that was tuff.. we have had get togethers to spend time with him. We just spent what I feel to be our last fathers day with him. And all that is tuff.

I keep my prayers going up to God for all this.. but then I told the Lord, I don't want you to keep him here just for me. I know God has other plans sometimes and we don't always understand them. I have seen my dad suffer with this. And I have done all that I could by keeping him in natural vitamins and stuff. I guess I keep doing that so I can feel that I done all that I could. But in my heart I feel that I could have done more.

I have talked to my dad about the Lord and asked him if he has made things right with him. He said he has and he knows he will go to be with the Lord. I told my dad at one of his many emergency room visits.. Daddy, I think I'll be able to handle all this better knowing that you'll be with God.. but if you hadn't, I don't know how I would do with it. I had to know that he would be with the Lord to get through all this. Other wise I feel it would have drove me crazy. But I feel peace about it and my dad and I know we will see each other some day. That's my peace when times get tuff on me.

I have to say though there are times that I have questioned God, and asked him questions.. and wondered.. but he assures me he'll see me through all this. God has been preparing me for this. Just before my dad went into the hospital the very first time we found out about the cancer the Lord told me something... I questioned him and said..No Lord, that can't be right.. He's ok. But that's a whole story in itself and I may tell it one day... but for now I just keep looking to God and saying Lord help me.. this is gonna be tuff and he tells me. . I'm here.. just know that I am.

I feel that I need to start posting more to my blog.. something like my outlet for what I feel. I'm not always good with words and not sure if I can communicate what I feel.. but I think it will be more like talks between me and God. And right now I need all the talks with God that I can get.